(Note: I started the first draft of this journal entry at 3:05 this afternoon.)

I’m sitting in the hallway next to the kitchen. I feel alive--the most alive I’ve felt in a while.

Shortly before two, several of my co-workers in the dietary department had to leave to go to an workshop. That left us with some holes in the dishwashing line. Mary stepped in to strip the trays. Barbara rinsed off the dirty dishes and put them in the machine, and I unloaded the clean dishes and put them up.

I wasn’t angry that I was called away from my usual duties. In fact, I liked it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I was coming off a high after writing a first draft on a poem on my break. Maybe I was happy because I found myself out of a rut of doing the same thing day after day. Or maybe I was just tired of being depressed. Or maybe it was our supervisor said, “You guys are good.” Or maybe because I felt needed.

By the time our co-workers had returned from their workshop. I felt more alive than I had in weeks.

WOOHOO!

Jimmy Buffett got wasted in Margaritaville. I’m getting wasted in McDonald’s.

Actually, “pigging out” might be a better term, since I don’t drink and Mickey D’s doesn’t serve margaritas. I’m munching on a McDouble while I’m writing this entry. If no grease, ketchup, or Diet Coke spills on my notebook. I will be shocked, shocked.

Work at the Good Samaritan Home this afternoon was frustrating. While I checked dinners on the serving line this afternoon, I started growing frustrated and angry. I thought Satan had sent a legion of demons to bash me with baseball bats. Heck, he probably sent Legion.

I started to remember some lines from Jimmy Buffett’s song “Holiday.” I think I posted them on this blog a few weeks ago:

I started to laugh. And I continued to laugh, even when I couldn’t find anything funny. My supervisor and co-workers probably thought I had gone loco (wouldn’t be the first time!).

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While I worked today, one of Benjamin Franklin’s adages popped into my head: “The good Lord helps those who help themselves. I think I can do that. Heck, I think I’m about the only one can--except God, of course.. Later I thought of what the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength.” I should take Paul’s word on it.

I also remember a passage from Matthew’s Gospel. After the Last Supper and before Jesus and His disciples went to the Mount of Olives, they sang a hymn. You have to admire Jesus. He knew--whether from Divine ability or plain logic (I think the former)--that He would stand trial for his preaching. But He could still sing.

I wonder what song they sang. My uneducated guess is probably Psalm 23.

One down, eleven to go.

Sometimes last month seemed to go like mercury; sometimes it went like molasses in...well, you know.

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The weekend is over. In less than five hours I’ll be back at work. I need to work to make a living. But sometimes--

Here I go again, I’m starting to whine. The demons of self-pity are stabbing me with their steely knives. Cripes, maybe I need to go on some adventure, maybe flying an airplane around Central and South America. At least it will be warmer. The temperature was supposed to have got down to nine degrees (F). El Nino is playing some dirty tricks on us again.

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Maybe I just need to go on vacation. I still have two weeks and a day of vacation time, and I need to spend it in the next 4 1/2 months. I need to relax. I need to do something. I just seem to be hitting some sort of wall.

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Maybe I need to pray. Maybe I need to ask God if He wants me to do something. But if He says something, will I believe Him?

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Time for a Gratitude List.

What I am grateful for:

1. Holanda and Romel

2. Pixi.

3. Jimmy Buffett

4. The Internet

5. My family.

6. My job.

7. Van Morrison

8. The Evansville public transit system

9. The Evansville-Vanderburgh Public Library.

10. My Camera

11. The University of Southern Indiana basketball team

12. Eating

13. Sleeping

14. Lisa

15. Bunion Pads.

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Yesterday afternoon I listened to the Romel and Holanda Show. I enjoyed it. I probably would’ve enjoyed it more, though, if I could have understood more than 20 words of it (since it was en espanol). I heard the two mention my name, though. I loved it.

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Later that afternoon I walked down to Barnes and Noble. On my way I took a few pictures. I took them from the place I was aiming at when I took photos Saturday. I aimed at the sport I stood and took pictures Saturday. However, when I returned home to upload the pictures, they had somehow disappeared from my camera’s memory. I was not happy.

Well. you have to roll with the punches sometimes, Uncle Doug.

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I heard I car spin its weeks on the icy parking lot a couple of minutes ago. Spring is looking more appealing every day.

When I was living in Ohio, I loved when Spring came. The dandelions were sprout out of the ground, and the trees were busting out their new foliage. The weather was warmer. Summer--and Summer Vacation--would soon arrive.

Now I’m more ambivalent about spring’s arrival. Spring in Evansville is followed by Summer (duh!!). And Summer in Evansville is accompanied by excess heat and excess humidity. I call Evansville “The Armpit of America,” and I don’t think I’m wrong in that regard.

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I’m dreaming of baseball. Spring Training should be opening in a couple of weeks. I anticipate it not because I think the Reds have a chance to win the pennant this year (they don’t!), but because it will be a sign unto the Northern Hemisphere that spring will soon arrive. And I hope it’s darn soon.

I feel like replaying the 1975 Reds season on my PC. That’s how much I’m craving baseball.

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Now I’m thinking of Lace, the woman from American Gladiators, the late 80s, early 90s version. She wore a pretty outfit. I think I had a crush on her. I checked the Internet to see what had happened to her. I think she was doing some adult movies. I wonder if she still looks as good as she did when she was on the show.

Ooops! I forgot to turn on the timer or maybe I pressed the wrong button on the timer. I think I’ll stop now.

"I’m feeling much better now.”

--Buddy (John Astin), Night Court

Gad, Friday afternoon I had a meltdown. The demons of pride and self-pity starting stabbing at me. My thinking became dark.

I managed to get finished. I took the taxi home. When I got home I played on the Internet. Later I read Sheila O’Malley’s blog entry. She included a passage from a letter from Thomas Hardy. A clergyman wrote to Hardy, asking the author/poet how he could explain how a God would allow suffering. I strongly disagreed with Hardy’s response, so wrote one of my own and put it on my blog. At about 11:30 I went to bed. At about 4:30 I woke up. I wrote another blog entry. But this one was so stinking self-pitying , I decided not to post it--at least for the time being. I went back to bed.

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I woke up the next morning. Overnight it had snowed. About half a foot came down in Evansville. I walked to the library.. It was cold, and the wind was blowing. At least it kept people from the McCullough Library.

I played on the Internet for a couple a couple hours. Going on “iTunes.,“ I bought a couple of Jimmy Buffett LPs. I checked out a book on Ayn Rand.

I went to the bank, I went to Barnes and Noble. I bought the “Spark Notes” for 1984. One of these days I may re-read it. I also went to the children’s book section. I bought a Dr. Seuss book, Oh, the Places You’ll Go! his last one. I’ve read it a couple a times. I thought I’d revisit him for Old Times’ Sake. I also bought two sets of Spanish flash cards. Yes, I’m still trying to learn it; I haven’t given up yet. When I took German in high school, I wrote down vocabulary words on 3x5 index cards and go through them. And I didn’t finish until I could answer every word on the cards. I did pretty well in German, so it worked.

Next I went to Goodwill. I bought another backpack and a belt. I headed toward McDonald’s for some lunch. I stop on the corner of Green River Road and Lincoln Avenue. I took a few photos of the snow-covered world. By that time, though. Green River Road was clear, and the traffic moved with no problems.

Arriving at Mickey D’s (Ronald says “Hi!), I ate some lunch. Afterwards I read Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Aloud. Without a child next to me. I didn’t care. I think I need an injection from the Good Doctor.

And I loved it! I only wished he’d written it about 30 years earlier, around the time I was born. Maybe that would’ve help me out.

After McDonald’s I took the best downtown. I went to the Central Library. so I check out a book that wasn’t at McCullough. I found the book, then I read Bill James’s Historical Baseball Abstract. I loved that book. I watched to go back home and play some baseball on my computer.

Gad, that’s the problem: Too much to do, to little time to do it. And the time frame closes in.

I took the bus to the Wal-Mart grocery. I had to refill I my prescription. While waiting for it to filled, I bought a few items. I waited for the bus again. By then the snow was starting to melt. While at the bus stop, a car drove through a puddle and splashed on me. I was not happy. When I got home, I began to play on the computer. while listening to the University of Southern Indiana Screaming Eagles basketball team play Lewis. That was the first time I watched a USI basketball game since I watched them win the Division II title in 1995. The Eagles won rather easily. We’re undefeated in nineteen games. Unfortunately, we’re on probation, so postseason play is out for us.